the fight for progress

It’s easy to get discouraged on a journey like this.  After all, we live in our bodies, and sometimes we just can’t see the progress, even when the scales and the measurements and our clothes tell us it’s there.

weight loss progress 22019

I have been promising pictures for a while, so tonight I bit the bullet in this cold house and donned my shorts and sports bra (the black ones were dirty, so you get white this time around) and took a pic in my dirty bedroom mirror.

That pic on the left dates back to April 1, 2016.  The middle one is from a few months later, in July.  That right hand one was just a half hour or so ago (as I write this, though it won’t post til morning).

Between that middle and the now there was a whole lot of set backs due to injury and discouragement, with brief periods of fighting to get back to it.

I need to go to bed because it’s been a crazy long day, so I’ll leave it at that, but I’ll update the entry tomorrow morning when I’ve weighed myself.

ETA: Weight this morning was 251.  Not bad.  Not bad at all.


rainy days and Sundays

The rain here in Northern California, while necessary and good, has put a crimp in my exercising.  I’ve been trying to dash out while the sun is out between cloud bursts, but it isn’t always easy, particularly when the weather really affects my agoraphobia.

It’s Sunday, which means weigh and measurements, then of course the housework and such that didn’t get done yesterday because I spent the day at the salon getting my hair trimmed and colored.

So in weight, I’m at 254, which was where I was on Wednesday before my appointment, but I was back up at 259 once I got to the doctor, and it was a bit of a bloated sort of week, so I’ll take the number without complaint.  In measurements, nothing super exciting happening.  Half inch off my waist, 2.5 inches off my hips, and just over an inch off of my thigh.

So, progress, such as it is.  I can’t complain about a 6.2 weight loss on the week.  And, it’s been nice having stuff that resembles actual food, even if it is all processed down to mush.  One more week of that and we’re on to soft foods for two weeks.  Really looking forward to that.

It’s also a full week in the office this week, well, minus the Monday holiday, so I need to be sure I have stuff ready and packed to go.

I should probably get on that housework.  The laundry isn’t going to wash itself!

Photo by freddie marriage on Unsplash


Yesterday was my two week follow up with my surgeon.  Yesterday morning I weighed in at 254, which is down 6 pounds since Sunday, which kind of blows my mind.

I also got bumped from full liquids to pureed foods for two weeks.  I immediately hit the grocery store and bought high protein foods I could puree and I started out immediately with making some egg salad.  After a month of protein shakes and yogurt, I don’t think anything has ever tasted as good as the quarter cup of egg salad I had for dinner last night!

I plan on doing measurements this weekend, but I can tell you I’m already starting to slip out of clothes that were once a bit tight.  Yesterday I went through two pairs of pants before I found a pair I could wear.

I’ll do pictures soon as well, as soon as it’s warm enough to stand around in shorts and a sports bra long enough to take the picture.

For now though, I’m off to have a breakfast of egg salad and some protein water.

feeling it

This morning I weighed in at 260.2 pounds.  That’s pretty incredible to me.  The last time I weighed 260, I felt a whole lot thinner than I feel today.  I know it’s just my whacked out brain, but I feel positively huge right now.

Even with all of my clothes starting to fit more loosely…even with the scale telling me I’m losing…I just feel fat.

I’m also increasingly frustrated with my current diet, and really looking forward to my follow up appointment on Wednesday morning, so I can progress to the next stage of the diet.  I really need food that isn’t slurped out of a coffee cup.  Not that the next stage is a lot better, but I can move away from all the dairy a little bit more.

What I wouldn’t do for a simple slice of toast right now!  It also doesn’t help my frustration that the weather has conspired against me the last few days and kept me from walking.  I’m hoping today is a little better so I can get a walk in.  I’m also going into the office tomorrow, so I know I’ll get some walking in then.

Photo by Alison Marras on Unsplash

a cup of joe

I’ll be the first to admit that I had a coffee habit that was impressive.  I could drink an entire pot, by myself, before anyone else had even shown up in the morning at work.  It was the very first thing I did every morning upon arriving at the office, put down my stuff and go make coffee.  I would then drink that pot, almost completely by myself.  And if someone else made a second pot, I wouldn’t mind another cup.

Knowing that after the surgery, I would likely have far less tolerance for caffeine and that caffeine withdrawal is no laughing matter, I set out to wean myself off in the months before hand.

It took me nearly two months of eliminating the afternoon soda habit, then slowly reducing the amount of caffeine in my daily coffee.  I started mixing decaf in with my normal grounds, 25-75%, then 50-50, then 75-25…and then onto decaf.

I considered myself pretty prepared.  I mean, I was still drinking an entire pot, but at least it was decaf.  Coffee is nearly as much ritual as anything for me I think.  But now, that ritual had to change.

With a new, smaller tummy, I can’t drink a whole pot in an hour anymore.  I can barely drink a whole cup in an hour!  My ritual at home has become making that one perfect cup.  In a subscription box I get, a couple months ago there was a french press in the box.  My coffee ritual is now setting up that press, heating the water, grinding the beans, letting it steep before pressing it.

It’s slower and more hands on than just filling the pot and letting it brew, but I think I’m starting to really like it.

I go see my endocrinologist this afternoon.  This morning’s scale says 263.6.  For those keeping score, that’s down 14.2 pounds since before the surgery, and a whopping 56.4 from my heaviest weight.

Now, I’m off to start that coffee ritual for today.  Hope you all have a good one!


Photo by Tina Guina on Unsplash

small steps

Slowly, but surely, I am recovering from surgery.  Each morning I find myself in less pain than the day before.  Each day my stamina holds just a little bit longer.  Yesterday my walk was twice as long as the day before, and I did it twice.

I do need to remind myself not to overdue it, because I am such an all in kind of person, and I would likely just hurt myself in the process.  If the rain lets up at all today, I am going to make the effort to walk down to the next major street crossing.

I’m learning what the new limits of my stomach are, and finding that I really need the reminders to eat.  Yesterday it took me nearly an hour to eat a container of blended yogurt.

I was running a slight fever yesterday, but this morning it’s back in my range of normal (97.7).  This morning I also weighed in at 269 again.  I was at 267 the morning of the surgery, and went up into the 270s immediately after, so it also seems to be indicating that I am finding my way back to what will be my new normal.

Small steps.



Photo by i yunmai on Unsplash

day 2 post surgery

I had my surgery early Tuesday morning.  I’m told it went well, and everyone seemed impressed with how quickly I was up and walking without complaint.  I felt pretty good, I have to say.

Of course, that all changes when I come off the IV meds.  My ab muscles think someone’s been punching them repeatedly and my sides are the same kind of achy sore. Other than that, no real complaints.

It seems strange, really, to have such a major surgery, and only have a handful of tiny little wounds on my stomach.

I also find it weird how such a procedure affects the rest of the body as well!  The fatigue and the muscle aches in my thighs and my arms. Of course some of the could be from the cold my body seems to be wanting to catch.

I came home yesterday and slept in my own bed last night, which was nice, except for the pain that accompanies the shift from sitting to laying and vice versa.  Been up since around 5am…I think the next thing on my agenda today is a nap.




Photo by Marcelo Leal on Unsplash

a little better

I got past my frustration and found my balance again.  This morning I weighed in back at 269.  I’m trying not to get too caught up in numbers though.  That always knocks me off track.

I have something of a compulsive personality that can sabotage me at the oddest times.  I get an idea in my head, even when I know it’s wrong, and that’s what I do.  It’s part of why I am the size I am.  I want cookies, so I buy or make cookies, and rather than having one or two, I can’t stop until I’ve eaten all of them.

It’s the same when I’m focused on other things, like weight loss.  If I don’t lose, or if I gain, I get it my head that I can’t eat anything.  Which starts off a whole list of other bad behaviors.

I also need to up my hydration game.  Yesterday I hardly drank any water, and I knew it when I went to bed, I kept waking up with dry mouth.  That only ever happens when I haven’t had enough to drink.

I am not taking measurements today, I’ll save that for next Sunday, when I’m several days post surgery.  And then, I will stick to measurements on the first Sunday of the month…that way I don’t get all obsessed with those numbers too.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

T-5 Days

I’m frustrated this morning.  I’m on day 9 of this liquid diet and I’ve actually gained two pounds since my lowest of 269.  I’m still within the five pounds the doctor wanted me to drop before the surgery, but still, it’s frustrating.

I also feel as though I’m PMSing, which probably explains the above, but that also adds to the frustration since I’ve had the nexplanon implant for well over a year, and the last time I had one I averaged about one period per six month and this time around it has done nothing to stop my cycles.  The whole point was to stop the cycles because the pain in my lower back from ovulation to the end of my period was too intense.

To pile on the frustration, my spring allergies have begun to show their faces and my eyes are pretty much nonstop itch and water.

It all adds up to feeling pretty grrr about everything today.


Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

goals going forward

When I first decided three years ago that I needed to get serious about losing weight, I weighed 320 pounds.  It was the largest I have ever been.  In about six months, I dropped over forty pounds, then over the next six, I managed another twenty or so.  I got down to around 260 before injuries started to sideline my exercise routine and it all went downhill from there…or more accurately, it started back uphill.

I managed to not gain it all back.  I got up to about 285 though, which is part of what helped drive me toward the surgery.  I needed another tool in my belt to get me where I need to be.

Since starting on this effort, going through all of the pre-work needed to get to the point of surgery, I’ve started losing again.  This morning I weighed in at 269 pounds, just nine pounds shy of where I got at the lowest point of this adventure.  That’s down 8.8 pounds from last Sunday.  It also beats the additional five pounds that my doctor asked me for before the surgery.

Of course I need to remind myself that at least some of that is because I did NOT consume enough calories over the course of the day because my schedule was interrupted by going into SF to meet up with someone for coffee.

Still, I’m counting it progress as I head into my final week of liquid diet before the surgery, which is a week from Tuesday. I’m still struggling to define what my goals are for after surgery, since I don’t really know what to expect.  The smallest I’ve every been as an adult was 153 pounds.  That seems like a long way away.  I think my first goal is to get under 200.  I’ll decide from there after that.


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